Don't Look Back

It has been one hell of a month. Things are in a place right now that I didn't think they would ever be in. I've had my share of tears, hurt and anger recently... the kind of pain that makes you physically sick. My riding suffered just as much as my heart.
I had talked to Arthur Saturday afternoon and we planned a longish road ride for the next morning. Maybe 30 miles or so, nothing to hard or long since I was feeling less than par. So Sunday was a new day, I was coming out of the black abyss where I had been gripped by the kind of anger that leads you to say all kinds of nasty things to those that you would have never intentionally hurt. Around 8:00am we were off, headed south for a nice gently rolling ride.
It was a beautiful morning, gray and cool. After temps of 110+ in the afternoons the overcast day was a welcome sight, far from the normal label of "gloomy" that I would normally have smacked on it. We kitted up and pedaled away from the school out towards Spartanburg. I tucked in and sat on his wheel, it was strange how safe I felt behind him. I wanted to ride that way and not stop, just in his draft, away from hurt feelings and all the what ifs I had going through my head. Arthur is one of those very talented cyclists who can size you up within 5 minutes of riding with you. He has always known just how hard he can push me and I was thankful for that. He knew what I needed and what I could handle. I stayed so close to him that we might as well have been on a tandem.
The miles hummed by, we passed a house that had a huge stone gate and I turned my head to look at it. In just that brief second, where I lost focus, Arthur's wheel slipped away. I had to work to get back up to him. I realized something in that moment, that I have to look straight ahead and let those things that pass me by pass me by. No matter how beautiful I thought they were or how much potential I thought they had, they just weren't meant to be anything other than something that slips from my peripheral vision. If I stop to look back I'm going to slow my journey to the next wonderful destination that lies ahead of me or lose the safety of the draft in front of me.
At about 20 miles Arthur asked me how I was feeling, "I'm good". My responses are never long and I don't talk much when I ride... that is my time to either work my butt off or shut my mind down and just melt into the road. I had one gel with me as I had forgotten my gu flask when we left the apt. I sucked it down and fought to stay where I was. A few extremely flat sections came along and we were both in our big rings, Arthur kept looking back to see if I was still there. I was so tight on him that if he stopped pedaling even for just a second I would have ran up his rear. The surge in my legs was electric, it felt so good to be working and going so fast. We just glided over the blacktop the way a bird glides over the water in the winter when everything is still and silent. Arthur is always mindful to look back to see whre I'm at and make sure I'm still with him. He's always mindful to ask if the pace is alright, do we need to slow down or speed up. The funny thing is that his pace is always just where I need it to be, again I was greatful.
At the end of the ride we were in a headwind. Arthur was taking breaks here and there, taking what little pulls and draft I could offer him. I pulled the last few miles with everything I had left in my legs, I was to the point of bonking. But I wanted the pain, I wanted the physical pain to replace the wayward emotions and anger that had been occupying every part of my body. It swallowed me, turned me inside out and released so much of what had been building inside of me. It was almost like a bomb went off, leaving me black and charred. But at the same time I was refreshed, ready to move past it as we came to a stop sign and waited our turn to cross.
We headed back to the school where we started from and commenced changing and loading up. Something inside was dormant now, relieved. Arthur told me we did 50 miles @ 19.5mph. That was a hard pill to swallow considering how crappy I've been feeling lately, but good to know my legs can still kick, even if to the south on what we in the south call "flat". We both agreed there is much work to be done with me between now and October to be ready for Fall for Greenville and the Classics Race. I'm not a crit racer, never have been, but that is where my focus will be between now and then.
I'll probably hang my mtb shoes up until the fall. I'll have to take the winter to decide where I'm headed next year, if anywhere... we'll see. Luckily I have friends and everyone at the shop and the best team that anyone could ask for. I'm inspired to grow and redefine happiness for my life. Go Do, that is all you can do in this life. Let go of anger and move forward, be accountable for your words and actions and praise God that He gives you a new day to do the things that you didn't yesterday. Hope above all that your path be quick and your load be light because trials are not enemies of faith but opportunities to prove God's faithfulness. I intend on proving God faithful!