Pain

Yes, that is the only word that comes to mind when thinking of my last few rides. Hills that I saw myself improving on now have me crawling in my biggest ring. My back prevents me from completing a ride without stopping and my fitness, is, well non-existent. I rode with Arthur yesterday and a ride that we could easily have finished in 1:45 or 2 hrs took 3 hrs. My butt hurts and I feel more like we did 100 miles. My body is still struggling to recover.

I realize that I am coming back from an injury, I realize I am riding a bike that isn't at all like what I had, I realize I am 10 lbs heavier than I should be going into the season... I know I am starting over. But the feeling physically of starting over, of feeling the way I did a year ago when I really started applying myself is one that has humbled me beyond anything I could have imagined. I still suffer a depression that separates me from everyone else that I don't think they can understand. Melissa reminded me that it will all come back but it is a journey that is hard to start after knowing where I was before the accident.



I try to look at good things to motivate me, like the new pair of Sidi 6.6 Carbon shoes that were a Christmas present that should be here by the end of the week, the fact that the new team kits should also be here soon, the fact that I can still hang with Arthur on the flat stuff, the fact that my teammates are off to a strong season, the fact that I am alive and walking. It just hit me really hard last night that I have a lot of work to do, more than I wanted to admit. But I am committing myself to it. Not many things worth having in my life have come without working for them.